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Pages: My gf is not out to her family [1]
Author Topic: My gf is not out to her family
bursch

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2011-04-30 23-26-13

My gf is not out to her family My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost years. She's met my family, they like her. She is not out to her family, so I have not met her parents, her siblings etc. I don't mind, I respect that it's her decision and her family, but part of me is getting worried. I'm worried that what if something happened to her? I would be a nobody. Her family would not know to add me to a list of people allowed to see her in the hospital, or god forbid, at a funeral. Maybe I'm being a really worry-wart drama queen, but after years I'm starting to get concerned. I have talked to her about it and I don't want to pressure her. She has a very emotional relationship with her family and my instincts say let sleeping dogs lie, but this other worry has been surfacing more often. Is anyone else in a long term relationship where your immediate family (or hers) doesn't know about her/your girlfriend?
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leoni

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2011-07-09 0-17-14-

There was a thread recently that kind of addressed this It's a hard road to be with someone closeted, and I don't think you're being a worry-wart drama queen to think of these things, or to mention your fears to your gf. Being someone's secret isn't a very happy way to live.
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  • dumond

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    2011-07-30 19-21-31

    Thanks nushka I didn't ignore you, I had to take some time to go through the thread. I'd by-passed it since I didn't recognize the OP.
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    licklider

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    2011-09-05 15-13-55

    I must have missed that thread...thanks nushka (that was the big d-day, no wonder) Hate to say it but this is a real problem that can drive a real wedge between people over time. If you think you can handle it, go back and think again. As you have been in it for x years, you've probably already experienced a lot of the little things that can wear on you over time. It's hell to have to school your emotions so that you don't smile at her a certain way in front of others, or touch her in that *comfortable* way you always do at home, or refer to her with a special nickname at a rather inappropriate time. Family gatherings are hell because most of them may be *in tune* to you and know you're acting very stilted or strange...These are just a few things. I could go on and on and on. It seems from what you've said here that she's not real anxious to change the situation so you need to ask yourself if you truly want to continue to hide... As nushka says..Being someone else's secret truly sux. Tho some say love conquers all, you have to be a pretty strong person to stay and be happy. Tho you may not realize it, it will definitely change you and sometimes, change isn't good. The relationship may suffer more than you know... jmho
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    witte

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    2011-11-04 21-22-31

    I honestly think she has it much harder than I. I'm not at family gatherings or dinners for her side of the family - they don't know I exist. We're out to absolutely everyone else, so since I have never met her family, I've never been in a situation where I'd need to curtail my behaviour. I'm such a creature of habit I doubt I'd be able to hide in front of them anyway. It's not really an issue right now, except for my little worry... I guess I'm worrying because I know it will inevitably become an issue in the future, and maybe that's why I'm dreaming up the worst case scenario. Yes, I love her. I do not want to pressure her and I know how emotionally difficult coming out to her family will be for her. I just don't know at what point it reaches this critical mass where I need to really be insistent about her coming out to her family. I don't want to push it too soon, and I don't want to leave it until it's too late.
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    gruen

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    2011-12-19 22-19-29

    other things to consider Where do you want to be in another years? x years? x? What if you want to have ren? It most likely won't fit in to her plans or lifestyle. Will you ever live together? Will you be happy as the "roommate" for years to come? Does your gf plan to stay in the closet her entire life? That's okay and it's her choice. BUT if that's not going to work for you, you'll have to let her know. Be true to yourself and be honest about what you want and need out of a relationship.
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    erne

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    2012-01-28 12-01-26

    We enjoy the setup we have. I wouldn't move in with her if she were not out to her family... but we like maintaining separate living spaces. - nope, neither of us want them. I suppose this is why there's never been any real pressure for her to come out. The only real need would be this hypothetical crisis situation.
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    zelma

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    2012-02-10 16-30-42

    Not really, the need in a crisis would be acute, sure, but the need everyday for basic honesty and straightforwardness is real too.
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    daub

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    2012-04-20 6-11-45-

    I agree but how is it every day honesty & straightforwardness when it's not a part of our every day lives?
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  • terrel

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    2012-05-04 14-00-11

    huh A car accident is not part of your everyday life, but you still wear your seatbelts (I hope).
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    kuntz

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    2012-05-09 20-32-06

    I am only honest and straightforward every other day :)
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  • kosh

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    2012-08-19 9-01-54-

    you could be honest & straightforward for x months of the year, then cagey and wiley for the next six.
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  • Persis

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    2012-09-19 18-30-03

    But then I would have to be honest about being cagey & wiley
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  • hiott

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    2012-11-14 20-08-58

    not if you got all of your honesty out of the way themonths previously. Of course, you'd have to hang with an entirely different crew while you're wiley and cagey, so that they don't catch on.
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  • nadel

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    2012-11-18 18-58-06

    Those kinds of paradoxes are what Captain Kirk used to pose to androids to make their heads explode. "If... everything you say is a lie, then that is a lie... but if... that is a lie.... then you are telling the truth......" KABLOOEY!
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    lamonica

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    2013-01-21 11-37-34

    Wow! Pardon he hijack, but wtf is Kirk up to here?
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    2013-03-05 17-09-47

    OMG - Is that not photoshopped? That could NOT have been an accident.
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  • moye

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    2013-03-22 4-17-41-

    I re the episode, and it is that way. I think he tries to clobber he big bald guy - who also played Lurch in "The Adams Family" - over the head with it. But seeing this with more adult eyes, it sure looks like Kirk's cooking up a whole 'nother scenario....
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    marrow

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    2013-05-10 1-07-07-

    Have you heard George Carlin's Mickey Mouse bit? That's what Kirk brought to mind.
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    patz

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    2013-09-18 18-10-12

    Heh heh... Having friends who actually build that stuff... No accident... There's a lot of sick and wrong going on subliminally in the art department... Hey, ya gotta have fun, right?
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    serpa

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    2013-10-20 19-32-00

    You may be respecting her, but you are not respecting yourself. Nor is she respecting you. She may never.years is a long time to live with someone that doesn't honor you enough to begin to resolve her own issues that effect you. You have given her permission to disrespect you. You deserve better. You can have it if you really want it.
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  • kren

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    2013-11-14 14-42-23

    I respectfully disagree. We do not live together, so her being out to her family does not adversely affect me. We have talked about it, and discussed her anxiety about coming out. It comes up on a fairly regular basis, in the form of jokes or gently revisiting the issue. I do not want to push her into doing something that will profoundly affect her relationship with her family. She will come out to them, but we've never discussed exactly when that would be. Right now it's not interfering with our plans. We travel together, we visit my family, we have the same friends. I'm her first girlfriend, so I've been there for a lot of her "firsts". I've never / will never push her into doing something she's not ready to do; that would be a true act of disrespect.
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  • consoli

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    2013-12-05 17-53-26

    if you are fine with how things are, then what's the problem?
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    winningham

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    2013-12-16 19-02-42

    I think that you may be covering up your own issues by being in a relationship with someone that is incapable of dealing with theirs.
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  • kuchta

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    2013-12-18 6-15-27-

    like what?
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  • Susannah

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    2013-12-27 12-17-36

    I don't know you, but it seems to me that someone with insecurity and low self esteem may be willing to be in such a situation. By being with someone that confirms your lowered expectations, you are validating your feelings of worthlessness. Time to look inward.
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    Tansy

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    2014-01-06 11-18-20

    I think you're being a bit extreme here. If I walk away from this conversation and say to myself "If she never comes out, I'll stay with her anyway, or at least until I'm so miserable I can't stand it anymore," then you'd be on to something.
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    Timi

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    2014-01-12 19-18-00

    Maybe... but at least you are thinking more of yourself now than when you first posted. That is good :)
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